When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
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ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.