Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda