I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.