girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain