Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
😂😂😂
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”