Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
no one ever comes back
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.