Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out πŸ™

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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.


Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.


“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”


[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever


My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.


5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.