@Smethanie Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
@yoyoha Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out π
You Might Also Like
@Smethanie 
@Inconsteveable Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
@causticbob “Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
@DrunksWithGuns *seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
@david8hughes [me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
@T_Bonezzz_ I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
@10InchesPlus “Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
@hansabumsadaisy How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
@StanHels1ng My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
@mompsychologist 5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.