[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
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Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
what it’s like dating me:
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.