This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Pickled cat.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.