What’s so funny?
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
where the womens at?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.