Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
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I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit