After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
You Might Also Like
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m tired tomorrow.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*