Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
😎 🍻
Ugh
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”