Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
jesus christ confetti not now