*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Holy shit he’s back
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.