If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family