@i_love_fudge Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
@hipchkk If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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@i_love_fudge 
@pleatedjeans [cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
@Pulse_NYC “I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
@jwoodham Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
@Try2StopME Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
@BobTheSuit [Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
@fillthevacuum Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
@amentalrecess My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
@Dil_Tron Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
@missekay *watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/