If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest