Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

had to make it

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Blew out my flip flop…

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.