If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]


“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.


Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”


Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.


[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.


Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam


*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*