@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

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@pleatedjeans

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@jwoodham

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

@Try2StopME

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

@BobTheSuit

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/