If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
You Might Also Like
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Don’t we all.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer