My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My blood type is b hungry.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0