I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Cake!!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’