Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes