Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.