Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember