That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.