Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
You Might Also Like
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
im 7 sauces long
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.