Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
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The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.