Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.