My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Morning my dudes.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.