The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
You Might Also Like
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
they should invent a hydrating liquor
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary