Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
sensitive skin
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping