Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Still cracks me up
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive