Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes