I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
nobody’s gonna understand
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.