I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free