I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.