*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*gets down on one knee*
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?