What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.