ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
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Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.