People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*