In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid