i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]