Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Never ghost your hitman.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I falcon love using swear birds
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”