Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich