Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
You Might Also Like
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.