[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.