You Might Also Like
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*