Rather alarming headline…
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech