There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Isn’t
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
time for some seasonal decor
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.