For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
You Might Also Like
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.