@UnFitz
@notalogin [Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
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@notalogin 
@Where__wolf A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
@DiamondLou69 Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
@Cheeseboy22 I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
@stephenjmolloy “Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
@KateWhineHall “You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
@angeliav68 The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
@thisbrokeme Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
@Cheeseboy22 My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
@SirEviscerate *shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*