@UnFitz

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

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@noneofyours99

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

@FunnyBison

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@rockymomax

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

@JDBooie

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

@dyldonot

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

@robdelaney

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

@banged_upCanuck

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.