@UnFitz
@noneofyours99 Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
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@noneofyours99 
@Faux_Ma Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
@TheBoydP Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
@FunnyBison *reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
@rockymomax [x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
@JDBooie My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
@dyldonot [tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
@robdelaney I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
@banged_upCanuck Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
@1evilidiot Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.