Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
You Might Also Like
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.