Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed