Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan