@fro_vo

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

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@SCbchbum

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@Stellacopter

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

@deloisivete

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

@KalvinMacleod

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

@Kyle_Lippert

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

@jannable9

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

@aneesa_p

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@Ty_Schutz

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.