Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.


*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!


I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.


ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*


Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.


Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown


*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*



Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.


When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.


It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.