No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
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The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?