12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-